Sometimes it gets hard contending with this separation.   She seems hell bent on partying and “living her best life.”   Despite the fact that I’m more often hurting than not these days.   Despite our son crying, asking me why things couldn’t be different, she seems to be happier.   I don’t know what happened or how she could be so damned cold.   I don’t care what anybody says, there has to be an especially toasty place in hell for people so selfish.

I don’t know what happened to her.  I never suspected that things would end between us.   And even if they did, I never would have thought that she’d be so inconsiderate.  It really makes me look twice at certain women’s actions.   I’ve learned to not trust people’s words, but instead, focus on their actions.   Intentions don’t mean anything if your actions are contrary to what you say.

The worst part is that she doesn’t seem to know nor care how this is hurting everyone else.  She claims to love us or “have love for me”, but she’s acting so out of character compared to how she used to be.   I don’t know if this is just her mask coming off or if it’s “new” downgraded version.   She seems so aloof, selfish, and unloving.   It’s all about her and her “needs.”  Anything in the way is annoying to her.  It seriously makes me wonder how her relationship with our son will ultimately unfold.

I don’t know why it still hurts so bad.   I’ve been praying and reading the bible a lot more lately.  I mean, I don’t really like ‘who’ she is now.   I love my son, but sometimes I wish I could just not ever see her again.   Even if she were to say that wanted to try again, I don’t know if I could ever trust or respect her the same way.   She doesn’t seem to be interested in changing anything anyway.   Perhaps I need to accept the fact that this isn’t the woman I married.   I get that we all change over time, but in general, we are supposed to grow up, not down.

It’s really hard to not call her, but I’ve decided to only call her if it’s business or kid related.  It’s hard not to tell her about what’s going on in my life, even though I realize now that she keeps secrets from me.  I hate myself for that.   I really gotta do better with this because I sound like those pitiful people who got caught up in an affair and claim that they can’t just cut the affair partner out of the picture.    I really don’t understand why anyone would risk falling in love at this point.   I miss having control over myself and to fall in love is to lose control.   I made a list writing out everything I want in an ideal partner, but tbh, I don’t think I’m ready to meet her just yet.   It would be great to have someone to walk through this with me, but on the other hand, I don’t want anyone else carrying this bag.  Plus, in reality, God should be my solace in this time loneliness and uncertainty.

Both my head and heart know that she’s not right.  It’s a case of knowing that I could do better by myself.  I mean, being alone has to be better than being with someone who you can’t trust.  I love her, but I don’t want to.   It’s doesn’t seem to be a choice, so it has to be something more like an addiction or something.   I keep telling myself that because we’re still married, I still feel disrespected if she sleeps around since she is still my WIFE.   Perhaps I need to get this divorce thing started.

In the mean time, I want a distraction (another woman), but at the same time, I need to make sure, i’m not being selfish towards my son.  It’s unfair that we are both responsible for putting him in this fucked up spot.  I can’t just let him walk through this difficult journey alone.  If I had a ‘distraction’ i’d be just as guilty as my wife.   It would be much harder for me to empathize with our son.   I guess that knowledge alone helps me.  I can’t be a martyr, but I need to use this time to help him.  I can’t cheat my way out of this one no matter how lonely it gets sometimes.  Not for now.  He’s hurting and the least I could do is share this pain with him naturally.

Now is the time for self improvement in all aspects of my life.   The goal is to work on myself spiritually, physically, financially, and dust off my game a bit.   I gotta rebuild my self esteem.

Sometimes it feels like I need a distraction so that I’m not so focused on her or what she’s doing.  I think she can sense that I’m lonely and it turns her off.   If I were to start acting cheerful, happy, and content, she’d probably wonder what’s going on with me.   If I found someone else,  had a few hot sex sessions, where I could forget all about her, would it help me over the hump, or would I end up covering up old wounds without actually healing from them.  Would it make her curious and want to try things again.  Or would she be hell bent on continuing what she’s doing.   Would she even care.  But should it take all of that to save my family and even if I did, how long would it be before I realized that if I had to go through all of that, is it even worth it?  Maybe I just have to accept the fact this marriage is dead.   The love in her heart died.   She walked away, destroyed our home, “wiped her mouth and said ‘I’ve done nothing wrong'” and now, we’re left to pick up the pieces.

Just a bad moment,  I gotta just allow it to work it’s way through my system.   Ugh.  This sucks.