Believing their own Lies

Looking back over the wife’s affair(s).  I realize that maybe we were both to blame in that we stopped dating and making it special for us.  We worked for the family, but not each other individually.  We became partners or a good team unit.

Unfortunately, she never told me how miserable or unhappy she was until after she fell for the other guy.   After that, happened, and we never really got a chance to recover, the extensive phone calls and texts from her so called beta male orbiter aka bff started pouring in.   They had sex before while we were married and so of course I had a problem with excess communication.

I mean of course he’s easier to talk to these days.   From outside observation, they do get along pretty good.   She is a pretty woman and even though he claims he’s just supporting a friend, it seems that he’s just using the whole push pull, seduce you, flirt, make you laugh, and then say, you should work on your marriage bullshit.   The thing, is, she allows it even though (hater move i know), i told her that it was his game.  It seems that she wants it, even though she denies it.  When I confronted him, he claimed that he’s just being there for a friend and says that as long as she wants to talk to him, he will.   They’ve been friends since middle school and claims “he’ll always be there for her.”  Now while I should kick his ass, i would land in jail and it won’t really help anything.

Perhaps all is fair in love and war, but it’s a dick move to swoop in on a marriage during a low point, pretend to be a ‘supportive’ friend, just so he can absolve himself from any responsibility at all.   She lies, and denies it all.   But still, if most of our arguments are about him….not even the affair anymore, doesn’t it make sense that he is the cause of some static.   Am I FUCKING CRAZY?  I mean I don’t call or text my best friends that much.  I never took a picture of a sandwich and sent it to any of my friends.  Either I’m CRAZY, she’s stupid, or just a plain liar.  But maybe it’s a combination of all 3 at this point.

Her only excuse it that the sex just happened one time (years ago, which I didn’t know about at the time) and if they wanted it to happen again, it could have.   Honestly, I don’t know if I even believe that it only happened one time anymore.   She’d never admit it if it did.

I use this blog to vent out my feelings.   I think the reason why I get so anxious on the inside is because I’m angry.  I’m angry because she lies to herself and he’s lying to himself just so they can play like they’re innocent.   I’ve spoken to them both about what constitutes an “emotional” affair, sent him article on it, and even then he denies it.   Even though they’re doing most of the shit people in emotional affairs do.

This leads me to the point that I get super angry whenever she acts like she’s so sad that our son is hurt over all this.  He still asks me why I moved, I haven’t told him the real reason.  I have to just grit my teeth and tbh, I still feel like I want to cry whenever I see his sad little face trying to hold it together whenever I leave from the apartment.   It’s so unfair that these assholes get to lie to themselves to absolve themselves of any guilt while me and my son (the victims) face the consequences of their selfishness.   Meanwhile, I’m thinking that they’re in la la land of anticipating that “fateful” moment they “accidentally” sleep together again.   How the hell do you magnify a problem, then offer the solution so that you can be the ‘hero’.   That’s the plot in the incredible’s 2 movie.  Delusional assholes.

She never told me that she was unhappy.  I mean seriously, I loved her.  I would have gladly, at least tried to fix whatever it was.  I was a pretty good husband on paper and I loved her.  Maybe I could have been more ambitious, but it’s hard to do when it’s my job to mostly take care of the household stuff and work full time and commute 2 freakin hours a day.   But we could have tried something.      Instead, she held it in, then claimed she was tired of “being fake” while she was in the middle of a damn affair.

Now I’m supposed to forgive and bend over backwards to forgive and accept that she shamelessly engages in an emotional affair.   She doesn’t want to try to work it out, but I wonder if it’s because of white knight part 2 trying to save her.   I mean, I’d get it if she had been complaining to me about something and I refused to listen.  I’d understand if we actually tried something to make  it work.  Maybe it would be easier if I knew exactly what the fuck I did wrong to begin with.   If someone else wasn’t in the picture, would she at least have given us a chance to fix or resolve whatever her issues with me was?  She’d probably lie and say no, but it’s hard to believe since we both love our son and wouldn’t want to see him in this much pain…not at least without trying to make it work.

My fault is that I didn’t really push too hard for counseling again.   She just makes me so angry that I don’t even want to work on it.   I’m being a bitch because I can ‘t even think logically about it all.

Why do people even want to fall in love.  You never know what somebody’s going to do when the masks finally come off.

 

 

 

 

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