Finally moved into my own place.   It’s awfully lonely, and quiet over there, but it does give me time to think.   I’ve come to the conclusion that she really just doesn’t love me.   I’m thinking that people in general have to have a certain level of attraction in order to love you.   The difference is that in general, a woman’s level of attraction (including sexual) is based on how you make them feel.   A man’s is generally based on looks.

If a woman wants to have sex with you long term, then she has to have an emotional attraction to you.   Their attraction standards are much higher than men’s.   We’ll have sex with almost anything willing to open up.   We can connect and bond as long as your personality nor looks are too vile.  Women need much more than the physical in order to maintain it.  In fact, given rate that rate that women file for divorce in decent marriages these days, I’d say that it’s almost impossible for most men to maintain.

If i’m honest, I’m not a very attractive person personality wise.   I mean, i’m ok, but I’m not known for making people bust up laughing.  I’m not really super ambitious.  I’m not the smoothest guy in the room.  I’m not the best storyteller.  I’m really laid back.  I mean I have my own hobbies, but working out, running, video games, and learning guitar aren’t really the most interesting things in the world.   I’m ok with myself and understand I can improve those things.  She never complained at all, marriage life kills your social life, but I thought that she was ok with me since she was pretty much in the same boat.

It’s not to say that she’s exactly interesting herself.   I like deep philosophical conversations that go nowhere.  She doesn’t really get certain jokes or memes I find funny and I just don’t think some of the stuff she thinks is hilarious is all that funny.  We don’t have much to talk about these days, but after the fallout from the affair, I am no longer interested in trying to entertain her.  I would be, but the current emotional affair makes me not even want to try.   It doesn’t come naturally anyway, so I don’t feel like wasting the emotional or mental energy to try and make it happen.  It makes me question if we really are good for one another.

In the end, she fell out of love.  It makes me wonder if she ever truly loved me anyway.   Or maybe I was always a rebound ‘stand in’ fling who just treated her well.  I guess I never gave her any real reason to break up and she knows that I truly did love her.   Regardless, loving someone doesn’t mean they have to love you back.  In truth, I think my esteem was so low, that I just liked the attention and felt loved for being accepted by someone I was attracted to.

We never had deep conversations, I mean we did, but they were more like monologues.   She seemed interested as long as she was attracted, but marriage, time together, and going through life eventually removed all the mystery away from me.   I am different from most black dudes I know, but not in a weird way.   I’m not exactly an alpha male, but at the same time, I’m not the omega either.   I’m chill, laid back, and I don’t really care for nor seek to be the center of attention.   I’m a team player.  I stand up for myself, but mostly, I just mind my business and do what I gotta do.  It’s kind of hard being a sexy man (for me anyway) while wearing my heart on my sleeve and being daddy.   I guess I can be kind of corny if I let my guard down.

So maybe after the masks fell off (as they do in long term relationships on both sides), she didn’t really like what was underneath.   Honestly, I settled too, but maybe my physical attraction to her was enough to sustain the notion that we could be together.  I do wonder though if I wasn’t still physically attracted to her, if I would have fought so hard for our family.

I mean it hurts like hell to see my son cry through all of this.   I know that I wouldn’t have fought so hard if it wasn’t for him.  I mean I do have some self respect.    But the combination of still having some attraction, plus losing my family made me fight harder.   Which probably drove her further away.   But I was fighting for my self respect in a situation where the only reason I didn’t walk was because I didn’t want to hurt our son and break our home.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t understand this dynamic and subconsciously thinks that my esteem was so low that I was fighting for ‘her’ per se.   Either way, mistake 1 was not being able to walk away at the first sign of disrespect.   Again, it wasn’t for her, it was for our son and marriage.   If that makes any sense.

Perhaps she didn’t love us as a family (but she hurts to see him hurt too).

Maybe she tried and realized that since there is 0 attraction, there is no point in holding on.   That the attraction just won’t/can’t come back.  She now knows the real me just as I now know the real her.   Perhaps her affairs were/are exit affairs.

Maybe I was so blinded by the idea that this externally beautiful woman loved me that I missed the signs that she actually didn’t really love me back.   That’s the problem with low self esteem.   Perhaps I never cheated was due to the fact that I knew that if I did, she’d have no problems leaving me.   That if I didn’t walk the tight rope of being entertainer, great husband, and holding down a job, her love would leave.   Even though she made more money than me, I made a pretty decent salary and I did hold it down when it came to taking care of the home.   In the end, none of those things were enough and now I feel inadequate.   I believed her when she said she loved me, but I should have looked at her actions instead.

Me being hurt just makes me feel my fears and insecurities.   Why else would I still need her validation or her to want me back after the way she treated me?   But that’s just one side of the equation, on the other side is the fact that loyalty, love, my vows to her, God, and family are significant to me.

In truth, we’re just not compatible enough.   She is far from my ideal woman, and I was ok with that.   I still didn’t see it as settling.  But maybe she checked off enough marks on the box that I didn’t feel trapped and miserable.   On the other hand, maybe I didn’t check off enough of her boxes.   Or rather, the ones that matter to her the most.  So the temptation of greener grass was too tempting to give up.

It hurts to think that in the end, I just wasn’t good enough to her even though people will say that she probably wasn’t good enough for me.   She still didn’t have to humiliate and hurt me for her first affair partner’s sexual fantasy.   It says to me that she doesn’t respect her son as she would humiliate his father like that.  It says that she doesn’t respect herself to allow herself to be talked into doing such a thing.   I mean regardless of whether she loved me or not, the fact is that I was good to her.  I was still a friend, was active in our son’s life,  and she sold me out for some asshole’s dick.  We still have to co parent?  Why would she burn our friendship down to the ground like that? Why completely shut the door forever.   We could never be back together after that as she could never respect me after that.

Maybe they are right.  Maybe I was always too good for her.  I truly loved her and meant it in my vows.   I really did try for the sake of our marriage and our family.  I did want to make her happy.   She broke them in the worst ways possible.  She betrayed our family, our son, our friendship, and me.

The best and worst thing is that she doesn’t even realize it.   I guess that says a lot about her character, so in the end, I’m not really losing much by losing her.  At the same time I lose everything by losing my family.  I lost my self respect and dignity fighting for it and still ended up losing my family anyway.     The other bad thing is that she’ll never feel regret or remorse over how bad she hurt me.  I have to pretty much abandon any notion of justice or karma biting her back.

The only consolation prize is that I did what I thought was right ( I wasn’t perfect throughout this process either), but it still doesn’t do much to help me feel better about it all.  I mean it still feels like she cheated, won, and got away with it in the end.

Aint that a bitch.