I met a woman who I’ve been talking and texting back and forth recently.  She’s sort of like that ‘stud’ type I talked about in a previous blog post though ‘straight’.   It’s almost as if the universe manifested her coming into my life.  Now, I don’t think she’s the one nor do I feel like she likes me like that.   She’s way younger than me and we went out a few times.  Had a lot of fun, joked a bit, and had some pretty deep and interesting conversations.

Her view on what my wife is doing (well she doesn’t know we’re actually married) is that it is what it is and I should just move on with my life.   She wants to hang out more, but I do still obligations.  She feels that I’m a ‘nice’ guy and even though I don’t defend myself, she said something that kind of bothered me…. that the reason my “girl” probably didn’t say anything to me about how she felt was because I would probably get upset and either cry or get upset.

It got me thinking like….wow.  Is that how I come across?  Shit, I mean, I am a pretty good person.   But if she thinks that I’m so soft that I can’t handle hard truths, then she’s mistaken.   I can handle truth.  Perhaps this is where the insecurity within me lies.

I’ve never screwed over a person intentionally in order to gain.  I mean I’ve lied (about small things), I’ve stolen things (shoplifted), done drugs, got into a few fights, been to jail over drug charges, probably driven a few times while way too drunk.  I did cheat on a girlfriend once, but I broke up with her after she confronted me (I didn’t lie to her after she ‘found out’).   I say all that to say that I know that I’m no saint.   I’ve made my share of mistakes, but my first instinct is to be fair and find my way without hurting others.

I do actually seek understanding, but if I come across as the type of person who can’t handle reality, then maybe it’s my fault.   My father was HARD on me so in the heat of the moment. When emotions are high like on a job with tight deadline, I can often overlook people’s ‘tone’ if I’m fucking up and get the job done.  I don’t take it personally.   I have been known to ‘correct’ people’s bad behavior if they get too far out of hand, so I do stand up for myself.   But again, I seek understanding first.  I am truly an empath.   I often find myself turning the other cheek, and usually, it works out for the best.

But it seems, that in these times (perhaps it’s always been that way), that empathic men are seen as weak.   I can say 100% that I’m no pushover.   Disrespect is not tolerated, I know I can fight pretty well.  I’m not afraid of getting my ass kicked.   I work out “hard” and can fight through a lot of pain and still keep going.  I’ve been beaten bad a few times in martial arts and boxing, but I never gave up or quit.   I’m not a tough guy, but I’m far from a pussy.

But I am an empath and that can easily be mistaken for a ‘nice’ guy.   I think that a lot of women I’ve dealt with appreciate the fact, but in the end, (as in the case of my wife), women end up losing attraction to guys like me.   I’m beginning to understand that while I can game a woman, just being myself and make her feel good, heard, and understood.   I can show her consideration that a lot of her ex bad boy ex’s didn’t and many do appreciate that, in the beginning.  But as with human nature, it’s easy to take things for granted.

I actually have to work at being an asshole and not show her consideration.   I like peace and solving problems, but from barbershop talk and Pickup forums, women like drama.   You have to keep them emotionally spiked in order to keep them interested or else they get bored.   This is why narcissitic bad boy types do well.   It’s just their nature to do “themselves” first and consider her second.   My nature is quite the opposite in that I adapt so easily and I really give too few fucks about things.   They can sin now and apologize later.  They treat them “nice” and “nasty”.    Me, I try not to hurt her in the first place because it makes me feel like I’m honoring her.   I’m a woman pleaser and putting her first is putting me first….as long as she respects me.   I think it’s why I love giving oral and I love receiving it as long as she’s totally into it.

Unfortunately, she doesn’t respect that in the long run and end up chasing after the guys who use her.   Balance.  I understand the principle.  My problem is that I treat them nice, but I fuck up in the “nasty” part.

Even worse, from an ego level, guys like me end up being involuntary cucks.  Bad boys are voluntary cucks because they screw women knowing they have men already.  I don’t mind sharing, but there are certain things I won’t do if I know she’s dealing with other people.   Bad boys don’t seem to care.   In this case, they win because they have the knowledge of what they’re doing.  Me, I don’t want to kiss a woman who recently sucked a dick.   That’s just me though.

So in order to maintain balance, I have to compromise my own sense of ethics and morality to be more assholey.   I have to learn to outright lie and put myself first.  I have to be willing and able to lie and hurt someone just to get what I want.   Laugh now, cry later.

Is sex even worth all this trouble for an empath?