Sometimes you just gotta eat a shit sandwich and enjoy it. My wife wants a divorce and is in a full on emotional affair (flirty texts and all) with her so called male bff. Neither see anything wrong with this since she’s “unhappy” here. She sees it as a means to vent, he sees it as “supporting a friend.”
I never really liked him because I thought he might have a flame for her and apparently, she has one for him. I can’t deny the chemistry. We had it once and I wonder if it went out because we actually lived together and went through real life together. I mean things aren’t as fun and easy when you go through things and live with each other for a long time. I told her same thing about her 1st affair partner. Either way, she’s back in that phase where I can’t tell her anything.
That said, their relationship it totally inappropriate and disrespectful to me. I ask her not to text him around me since i saw the nature of their texts. Not my proudest moment, but i grabbed her phone and ran through the texts to see exactly what they were talking about. She keeps it locked, but is on it all the time, just like when she had her affair. I told her it’s disrespectful to me to text like that in front of me and our son, especially when we’re all together as a family. She swears she isn’t talking to him, but of course she had lied about things like that during the 1st affair so I don’t believe her. Plus the timestamps when i looked proved that it was occasionally a lie. Now even though I don’t think she’s ALWAYS texting him, I know she does sometimes when I’m around and so whenever she’s on the phone (which is ALWAYS…no seriously….ALWAYS), I’m on edge since she hides the screen.
Anyway, I have a sharp tongue when we’re not around kiddo. I’m usually pretty cool, but one thing I don’t tolerate very well is intentional disrespect. Especially when you know what you’re doing is wrong. She may not be “happy”, but still we have a kid and need to co parent. If her loser bff really wants to be with her, why couldn’t he just wait until we’ve figured things out before moving in. It pisses me off because he saw we were more vulnerable than ever after her affair, and then decided to suddenly swoop in and “comfort” her. No mind that she IMHO caused the huge rift between us. If she was so unhappy, she could have told me before the affair. Now that we’re on the rocks, he’ll say things like “she should try to work things out”, while at the same time flirt with her….plan trips, and say if she isn’t happy than she should leave because “life is too short”.
Whenever I think about hurting our son, it pisses me off and it’s hard to just hold it in. That douche won’t be there when we drop the bomb on him. He says stupid things like kids are resilient. Now she’s repeating that dumb ish. He’s assisting with me losing access to my son so I feel a certain type of way.
I feel abandoned by her and she uses him as a distraction to avoid the pain (and real conversation) of losing our home. I mean seriously, how could she be so “miserable”, but she’s always walking around laughing as if nothing is happening. Whenever she’s in love (in infatuation) she acts stupid and disregards any and everything else but her new “love” interest. I get how guys can fall for the attention. Hell, I married her due to it. Either way, it’s a trap and I don’t think I’ll ever look at “being in love” the same again.
Here is what I’ve learned. My reactions only drive her to be angry and spiteful. I feel disrespected and she knows it. She justifies it by saying that we’re basically done anyway so she should be free to do whatever she wants. In fact, she’s doing me a ‘favor’ by doing it behind my back instead of “in front of me.”
This is why i have to eat the shitty butter sandwich and just deal with it. It still hurts and I don’t know why. I mean I live in the same house, we’re still married, we have a kid. In my mind, the primary goal of marriage isn’t about our personal happiness and that’s where we seem to disagree. If the only reason she wants to break up a home is to find happiness (presumably with someone else) it’s selfish to the kids and the person she made vows with. Of course she claims it isn’t about someone else, but it’s hard to believe her because she’s hell bent on keeping that emotional affair (aka friendship) healthy at all costs. Including discord, hurt, and confusion in the house. I call it cognitive dissonance. But maybe I’m wrong about everything.
I have to swallow my pride in order to keep things cordial. This is hard. Again, it’s disrespectful and where I’m from and in my culture, you don’t let people disrespect you. You “handle” (fight) it or walk away. I can’t “handle it”without making things worse for my son. Disrespect comes when you’ve tried to be peaceful and logical. I’ve told her calmly (many times), given her scripture, given her articles, read articles, given analogies, showed videos….and while she claims to get it, she won’t do anything about it. It’s disrespectful at this point. Hell, I’ve even ‘talked’ to him and though he agrees that she’s being disrespectful, and “realizes” how i see his role could be seen as disrespectful, he maintains that they’re only “friends.” Plus he keeps up the communication anyway. More disrespect.
If i fight him, I’ll probably go to jail. I can’t fight her. But i can’t just walk away without causing emotional trauma to my son. If i argue, she gets vindictive and this could easily devolve into a game of tit for tat. If i sulk about it, she acts like she’s doing nothing wrong and calls me ‘crazy’ or ‘unstable’.
My final shitty option is to move out which causes a massive financial and logistical strain. She wants 7 days on 7 days off, but how is that helping our kid. He needs somewhat of a stable home environment, plus he’s in school in a pretty expensive school district. Her long work hows ensure that I gotta pick him after school for a few hours until she gets off. So even if i were to pay more for a 2 bedroom apt in this district, i’d still have to pick him up on her working days. I don’t mind this, but it further proves my point that this is more about fuckboy than anything. More shit sandwiches, I guess kiddo can have them too. Her thing is that she wants full custody and threatens that if I don’t comply. Of course, we’ll have to fight it out in court with money we don’t have for lawyers. Another shit sandwich please.
Meanwhile, it seems to me that her main concern is to spend more time with the douche while saving face (I mean doing ‘us’ a favor) by not bringing him around our son. Hence the 7 days on 7 days off proposal. Ok, can I call her bitch yet?
At this point, I’d probably just settle for some ketchup on the shit sandwiches. Maybe I should just fold. Well figure out how to fold anyway. Perhaps the biggest shit sandwich I have to eat through, is my pride. She painted me into a corner and I don’t have any moves. I should just take this L and do whatever I gotta do for our son.
Sucks being a man sometimes.