The way our relationship has devolved has made me realize that my estranged wife was probably never really my friend. It’s really amazing how people can stay in your life for so long, experience so much with you, and in the end, discard you as if you are a complete stranger. It’s as if since she’s no longer romantically interested in me, I have zero value to her. Not even potential value. I’d go so far to say that she’d treat a stranger with more kindness and respect at this point.
She cheated, broke our vows, betrayed me (see blog post on betrayal), and ultimately screwed me over. Perhaps, still wanting to see some good in her, I somehow thought that she truly meant it when she says that she “loves”, but isn’t “in love” with me. Her actions show that she not only isn’t “in love” with me, but she hates me. Again, she betrayed me. Shouldn’t I be the one who hates her? Sure I talk my shit, but it’s mostly because she’s unapologetically disrespectful. She knows it. At least i told her and she agreed as if she understands.
This revelation explains a lot and the more I see the new (or possibly old) her, the less I like her has a person overall. It’s a really shitty thing to betray someone in marriage, even more so to throw away a friendship. Even more so, because we have to co parent. I really don’t recognize her anymore. It’s scary how someone who seemed so authentic, sweet, and real (not perfect for sure) can 180 on you and flip the script to such an extreme, so quickly.
The confusion lies in whether or not she knows what she’s doing. I mean, she seems there, but isn’t. Something isn’t right with her eyes. It’s almost like something has taken over her spirit. I know it sounds like woo woo or whatever, but it would appear that her affair has caused some demon or something to take her over. Maybe, I’m tripping because she’s doing stuff to me, but as along as I’ve known her, she never treated anyone with disdain and disregard. She’s never been a part of the ‘bad girls’ club as far as I could tell. Her family and friends (as far as I know) would all describe her as a good, sweet girl.
I try to give her advice as I always have, from an older brother or real friend perspective (including on how lying to her “friend” about our relationship) isn’t a solid foundation to start a relationship on. I always have kept it 100 with her.
If he’s supposedly her bff and (possibly soulmate?), wouldn’t “being real”, no matter how ugly the truth is, be a solid foundation to build on? How do she really expect a relationship built on lies and deceit (between each other) to possibly last? What makes her addiction to speaking him regularly any different from her last affair where she finally admitted that speaking to the old affair was like an addiction? Wouldn’t he respect her more if she admitted that she liked him, but needed time to tie up loose ends at home, and possibly date before getting with him on a serious tip? Why lie and keep up the communication with him knowing that she is in total violation of her vows and is disrespecting me, our family, and ultimately herself.
I was good to her, she knows it, will admit it, and let him tell it, he knows it too. He admits that she’s acting disrespectfully. How could he profess to be a man of faith, but yet not take heed to proverbs 5 where it warns about the adulterous woman? He seems fairly conscious, tells her that what she’s doing is disrespectful, but yet still initiates conversation with her. Despite me filling in some of the blanks that she left out to him (i.e. her last affair), he still proceeds as if their ‘friendship’ is so special.
If she can discard her husband, friend, and son’s father so easily, what makes him think that their friendship means anything to him once she’s done or gets ‘bored’ with him. Or maybe i am overblowing it and he really is acting as friend trying to support her. They cheated in the past while we were married (i didn’t find out until years later). He apologized when I confronted him and it seemed sincere. Though I can somewhat understand (we all make mistakes), I also told him that the fact that they did changes things as far as I’m concerned. It’s a respect thing and even though I should kick his ass over that and demand no contact, I’ll respect the friendship (as they’ve been friends since long before we met) as long as he backs way the fuck off.
The man in me thinks that as a man, he should be more responsible if he knows that what he’s doing (i’ve told him that we argue mostly about how much he talks to her) is causing more static in our marriage.
I’ll admit that he probably isn’t the underlying cause of the issue. This is an issue with her because she allows it to happen. But as a man, I can’t help but feel that he’s being disrespectful by initiating and allowing her to ‘vent’ to hem when she should be venting to either a counselor, me, a female friend, or God.
I also hate feeling like a saint or martyr, but i honestly cannot see what I’m doing wrong. Maybe I should just hold my tongue, allow them to text, and ignore her bad behavior. It hurts like hell, but arguing about it doesn’t help either. I guess that out of love, I have to humble myself and just allow it. I can’t say if the situation will continue to escalate from an emotional back into a physical affair. Either way, I’m just lost. I don’t want to lose my family. I don’t want this to hurt our son. At the same time, I don’t want her to be with me if she isn’t happy with me. I cannot allow her to ‘cuck’ me either. If i allow her to disrespect me quietly, how could she ever respect me. Even more so, how could I ever respect myself?
If it wasn’t for the fact that we have a family, I know that I wouldn’t fuck with her at all. I can’t say that I’m still in love with her. I’m not fighting for her, per se, it’s a fight I shouldn’t have to fight, nor would I desire to if we weren’t a family. But how do you fight for your family when one person no longer wants it?