There’s an inspirational quote that workout junkies and gym rats are familiar with that says “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” Often times, we have to go through tough times in order to overcome. The pain often refines us, tests us, and if we’re lucky enough to make it out, we are stronger, faster, and better.
I’ve decided to view the pain of heartbreak as love leaving my body. Each horrendous cortisol infused spike that sends my heart, stomach, and emotions into torment, is similar to a workout rep. It is just one more rep during the exhaustion phase that feels like it’s tearing me apart. Unfortunately, I don’t really have much control over this unless I’m mindful all day every day. But if I remember that each involuntary thought, memory, or whatever trigger that starts this process is simply making me stronger, in theory, it should transmute from something negative into something positive.
I view unrequited love as a virus that I must get over. Maybe it’s like having the flu and the symptoms of pain are generated as my body fights the virus. I have to let go of the idea that she is regretful or in pain as this disease only affects a person who actually loves. Forgiveness looks like not taking personally because it happens to the best of us. Maybe in an alternate reality, I fell out of love first and didn’t have to go through this. Who knows. I just gotta deal with right now.
For now, being in love with someone who doesn’t love me back is a demon that I must fight. It’s an internal struggle. I don’t think you can make someone love you back, no matter how much you want it. Ironically, the only chance to get them back is to get over them. I mean truly get over them. In which case, at that point, it really doesn’t matter if it works or doesn’t.
This cannot be seen as a tactic the get them back because by the time you’re done, you probably wouldn’t want them back anyway. Seriously, you know them now, what they are capable of, and why would you risk it with a person who is capable / and willing to hurt you on such a level. People fall in love with bad people all the time so don’t be ashamed if it happened to you. If it were as simple as turning off a switch and being ok, then life would be great. But it’s not. You don’t have to like it, but you should accept it.
I am at a point where I don’t want to love her. It’s truly an addiction at this point. The reality is that she doesn’t even do anything to enhance my life anymore, in reality, if anything makes it worse. But i digress…
The key is non resistance. I acknowledge that I do/did love her. I thought I fell out a long time ago, but apparently, deep down, there must be something there. It’s still painful to think that she doesn’t appreciate nor respect me enough not to do certain things. But as long as I resist or fight the obvious, the more it hurts. I have to start back practicing radical acceptance. For everything; Her actions and my feelings about those actions.
I have to accept that I don’t really have much power of how I feel right now. I have to accept that I am hurt and it sucks, but I must move on. It is painful, I’m angry with her for hurting me and myself for allowing myself to be hurt.
Resisting the pain and fighting it actually hurts worse. When the triggers come, just accept it, don’t fight, just feel it and know that it’s actually there to help me get over it. Acceptance is sort of like going into a hot sauna realizing that you’re going to deal with it even though it’s super uncomfortable. Resisting it makes it worse. Just accept the pain and deal with it by just feeling it as it comes.
Try to remove all thoughts and just feel the pain in the physical body. Luckily the intensity doesn’t last forever even though there is a bit of a lingering effect after it leaves you feel better for the time being. Perhaps i should even try to consciously intensify it in those moments to make sure that I’m not subconsciously resisting a little. The natural inclination of the body is to try to stop the pain. But focus on the areas of hurt in the body, feel it, intensify and just stew in it for a little. In a few minutes, the episode will pass and you’ll feel a bit better until the next episode. Eventually, I hope, I’ll learn to overcome it without giving in and have it ruin my entire day.
This is the price we pay when we opt to fall in love. It’s like a hangover from hell. Yeah the night was fun, but the next day, the headache and nausea is killer. It’s like overcoming addiction and putting your life back together after partying hard for a few months on hard drugs. It’s just the price you pay. The recovery sucks ass, but at least you have a few scars and stories to tell about it.