One of the hallmarks of being an effective man is the ability impose your will onto others. For some reason or another, probably due to my upbringing, I’ve been fairly unsuccessful at it. More accurately, I just don’t really try. In my mind, I’m a “live and let live” kind of guy. I let people make their own decisions and come to their own conclusions. I generally don’t have an agenda for people to follow and rarely ask that they do anything they don’t want.
Occasionally I may want someone to do something, but I have this strong aversion of asking people to do anything for me. I’d like to think that I’m just being independent. I don’t want to feel like I owe anyone anything if they did something for me. Oddly enough, I don’t really feel like people ‘owe’ me anything if I do something for them. I take a bit of pride out of being self sufficient. If something needs to be done, I’d just do it myself.
It worked well enough, but now I’m thinking that as a result, I don’t know how to express what I want from people. I’m not sure if I just don’t want anything or if I just don’t realize that I want something. I’m thinking that approach anxiety isn’t as much about me being anti social or fearing rejection as much as it is about going against my core belief of not asking for anything I don’t actually need.
The very first principle of manifestation is ‘knowing what you want.’ I had to include that for me because often times, I’m not really even sure. Because I don’t know, I just assume I don’t want anything. The best way to describe it is like being hungry, but not having an appetite for anything in particular.
It probably goes back to being a kid and pretty much getting yelled at for asking for stuff. As if i’m not deserving of having anything I didn’t specifically earn. I don’t feel as if I should have to earn someone’s love, so therefore I won’t demand it. I never chased a woman my whole life. My thinking was that if she rocks with me she does, if not then I don’t need her. I still feel the same way, but I wonder how many I missed out on because I took it to the extreme. Any sign of resistance was enough for me to say screw it, I don’t need it anyway. It’s a problem because many times, I wouldn’t ‘shoot my shot’ because it didn’t seem likely to hit.
The lazy attempts for me to shoot my shot usually ended up with me being with women who chased me. I did develop attachments over time, but rarely did I ever end up with who I wanted. Even then I was never sure why they wanted me. Rarely did I ever put any effort into pursuing. I felt unworthy and not good enough. Thinking back, those thoughts would have manifested and they probably would have left anyway as most of my ex’s did. Oddly enough though, the one time I did really put myself out there and got rejected didn’t really sting so bad.
The thought that I am enough and probably too good for her is starting to take hold in my mind. It does give an air of arrogance and cockiness. Life being subjective and all it really doesn’t matter whether I’m right or wrong. That inner game, or belief is just a tool for manifestation. Outwardly, it makes the idea that women love ‘cocky’ or ‘arrogant’ guys make a lot of sense. If I don’t feel worthy, then she is going to reflect that.
Upon the realization of this, I realize that constantly being rejected by my wife is horrible for my self esteem. I fight this by thinking that she’s crazy and being a wicked woman. But deep down, i think it does affect my view of my self worth. I’ve never doubted my sexual ability, but now, I’m second guessing it. As ridiculous as it sounds, I’m starting to wonder if every woman I’ve ever had was just faking it. I’m wondering if she was just faking it in the beginning. Logically, I know that if it were a real issue, I never would have been in long term relationships. Still, there are those few flashes of insecurity that drive me crazy.
While I still abhor the idea that people ‘deserve’ anything they didn’t earn (minus basic human rights)… I feel the need to do the inner work to make myself believe I am entitled just for being me. It’s not really much of a stretch because if guys who’ve accomplished much less than I have….are worse looking….and are not as intelligent are getting laid left and right, doesn’t that say a lot about the women who are choosing? The only difference is that they believe they deserve it.
Wouldn’t that resolve the inner conflict of getting something I haven’t earned or worked for vs getting something simply because I am me. Time will tell. Hopeful that this insight will be valuable in helping me realize what I want so that I can begin the process of being a more effective man.