It seems that there are huge number of people leaving decent marriages because they are no longer happy. My wife has one foot out the door for that reason. Her affair was likely an exit affair. Although we’ve been trying and going through the roller coaster of emotions after such a devastating move, we’re both still in limbo. Her argument is that people who aren’t happy shouldn’t stay married. That the kids would be better off if she were happy in the long run. She doesn’t really want to work on it.
It’s so odd because to me, we seem to have a pretty decent marriage. We get along pretty well, both have pretty good jobs. Both are pretty good looking. We can laugh and joke. Family time is fun. I actually do most of the domestic work since she works longer hours. But yet, she is not happy nor fulfilled for some reason. It irks me that she had the affair, is the lazier one, but yet, she’s the one that’s so unhappy that she is willing to split up the home.
She’s the boring one who just wants to stay on social media and watch reality TV all night. She never plans anything, never wants to go anywhere (too tired), has no hobbies (by choice), but yet she’s the one who feels unfulfilled? Let’s not even talk about the sex (or scarcity thereof). Not to mention the lies, inappropriate male ‘bff’ which she insists on keeping despite the alleged 1 time incident earlier in our marriage, and the other things she lies about. How about the fact that she gets time alone on her days off, but all my days off, I’m pretty much babysitting all day.
As a background, my parents didn’t get divorced until I was an adult. Their marriage was horrible though. Her parents were never married. Maybe the difference is that I know a shitty marriage when I see one. Ours is so much better. That said, my parents had a pretty shitty marriage.
Honestly, I often wonder wtf is the matter with me. If anyone is settling, it is me. I know this, but overall, I’m a pretty fulfilled person with my own hobbies, job, side hustle, workout routine….etc. Having my family completes it.
I wouldn’t keep her in the marriage she doesn’t want. I would make the move to leave myself, but I don’t want to inflict that emotional damage on my son and I know that my God hates divorce. I can’t lie, I’m in limbo though and often think that my sex life would probably better and I wouldn’t have to worry about playing detective (which is really moot at this point because she lies so much). I really just do it because my pride won’t accept her cheating on me again. I don’t trust her bottom line. I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself.
I wonder if I’m afraid to leave because I don’t want to hurt my son so deeply or if it’s my ego not wanting the so called “BFF” to win. He could have her though (just wish he’d wait until i moved out). She’s a shitty wife. Maybe she’d be better to him, but either way, she’s shitty in the areas I need her to be at least normal at. He’s kind of stupid for wanting her assuming she tells him everything about us, but that’s another story. He sounds like a white knight and she’ll probably end up ruining that friendship if they end up together, but that won’t be my problem.
But this isn’t about me. My issue with her is that she’s making keeping our family together all about “her happiness.” It’s a tough position because I don’t want her to stay if she’s unhappy. I’m unhappy too, but for some reason, not enough to put our kid through this. We could fix things, but she’d have to change from being a shitty person. But if she’s unhappy, i guess she has no real incentive to do so.
The point is that if so many women get married and discover that they are unhappy years later only to want to divorce, what is the point of getting married. For all that, she could have been a baby mama and saved all of us the heartbreak of destroying a home. At least my son wouldn’t have known what it was like to have a home with both parents living there only to lose it. We could have saved a ton of money by not having a wedding. She gave us home and now she wants to take it away from us all because of her selfishness. Her selfishness is what makes her unhappy. Too many women i’ve noticed seem to feel entitled to their selfishness and everyone else should bow down to their desires. It doesn’t matter how many people get hurt or depend on them, it’s all about them and their pursuit of feeling happy.
I’m pretty self reflective and neither of us can identify what it is about me or what I’m doing that makes her so unhappy. I suspect it’s because I treated her so well and never cheated, but that’s another blog. Either way, I have no idea what would cause a woman to place her own happiness above the family to the degree that she could not find a sense of happiness in a pretty decent situation such as this. Apparently it happens a lot.
It’s like I’m the bad guy wanting to save our family and hold her to her vows. I will admit that at this point, I don’t know if I really even want HER specifically anymore. Loyalty is huge, family is important to me, she doesn’t have to be a saint, but integrity goes a long way. Not so much for her apparently and that’s deal breaking stuff for me. She acted like it was in the beginning and I wish i had known the red flags. It’s unfortunate that I found out too late after we have a little one depending on us.
They say that the person who cares the least in a relationship holds all the power. It sucks because she cares less about our family than I do. It’s not even like it’s about having her to me because I feel that I could either find better or at least be better off by myself.
I’m now stuck in this stupid conundrum of putting my happiness (of keeping the family together) vs letting her be happy (and splitting us up).
If unhappiness is enough to leave/break a family and people are justified for leaving for that reason alone, then what is the point of marriage again. I understand abusive or dangerous situations, but outside that, I always thought you could work at it. There really is no point in tying the knot if it is so easily untied because you just stopped feeling it. We may have well just remained boyfriend and girlfriend or better yet, FWB.
I feel so cheated, and I’m not saying this is easy for her. She has to live with knowing she is doing this. Doesn’t seem to bother her too bad though, but I imagine she just doesn’t talk about it to me. The thing is that I can’t even reference the feeling she must have because I just see no justification (whether I agree or not) in this. It’s selfish, immature, and wicked. But it seems that, unless, God Almighty intervenes and changes her heart, I just have to accept it.
2 thoughts on “Why marry in the first place?”
I hope something works out for you
” People with nothing to hide, don’t hide anything.” I agree