Snooping….what’s with all the secrets anyway?

I often play devil’s advocate with myself in order to see if it’s me or if everyone else is crazy.  This does often give me insight and understanding from different points of view.  One thing I still haven’t come to grips with is the issue of snooping through your S.O.’s cell phone.  I mean people seriously find this as a problem and I don’t really get it.

I do have limits.  Search histories, texts with family members or known friends, or work related emails are no go zones for me.  But, I do like to know who they’ve been texting or who they’ve been talking to.   My reason being is that  everyone who cheated on me had two things in common….1)I trusted them and 2)they lied to me.   I’m pretty sure everyone has had this experience.   I can totally understand why a future SO might want get that extra level of security by going through my phone every now and then.

I know it’s not fool proof because there are ways around that, but still, it does help when that person is open enough to be ok with me going through her phone.   I mean, I’m pretty open with my SO about going through my phone if I don’t have anything to hide.

Assuming that I’m not hiding anything and if she needs to reassure herself of my honesty helps her sleep better at night, then I don’t have a problem with it personally.   I’m pretty confident that if she had been cheated on in the past, her experience was like mine.  She trusted that person and they lied to her.  Even if I didn’t give her any reason to doubt me, I get it.   I mean, often times, cheating does happen seemingly out the blue.

The thing for me is that the more protective over their phone they are, the more I want to see what the big secret is.  In long term, committed relationship, what secrets are you hiding that you can’t trust your SO with anyway.  I’d argue that the person hiding the ‘secret’ (even if it isn’t cheating) doesn’t trust their SO enough anyway.  I’m just not convinced that people are really so concerned about their privacy as they claim.  I think they are more worried about doing things that they wouldn’t want their SO doing to them.

Don’t get me wrong,  it is weird and creepy to snoop through someone’s phone if you just met them.  Or if you don’t have an intimate relationship with them.  But if we’re so close that I share my most private thoughts and fears with you and you presumably do the same, then I’m not sure where the whole need for hiding things come up.

I’m not saying one should make it a habit to go through their SO’s stuff, but cell phones should be an open book.  It shows that you care enough about the other person to aid in their healing.  Being secretive shows that you do trust that person enough to accept you as you are.

I’m ok, as long as it doesn’t become obsessive.   With me, once I check every now and then and find nothing suspicious, it actually helps deter me from wanting to look.

It’s like she earned that level of trust in a way.

It’s the height of arrogance to think that you’re so trustworthy beyond everyone else that you get offended if your SO has a question about it.  People lie and cheat on people who trust them all the time.  If you’re worried that I might take something your male friend said to you out of context, then it shows that you don’t trust me, or think that I’m too insecure to “handle” it.   It could also mean that there is more to that “friendship” than you’re willing to  or want to admit.

Personally, if I had a close female friend, I wouldn’t want her keeping secrets from her Husband.  Even when I speak to my closest male friends about my personal issues, I assume they go back and tell their wives.   I just think it’s a bad habit to hide things from your SO and I wouldn’t want to involve them in something that they had to keep from them.   If your opposite sex friend encourages you to hide things from your SO, then I’d really question their underlying motives.

Some people call it insecurity.  That might be the case for some people, but more often than not, it’s a smokescreen.  It’s not that I don’t think that I’m somehow not good enough.  It’s that maybe sometimes, people just don’t care about how awesome you are and would prefer to cake eat.  Plus most people are pretty shitty when it comes to self control.    Cheating hurts and it is humiliating, especially now that side chicks/dudes are at an all time high.

In most situations, I apply the golden rule in relationships.  But, If you don’t trust me enough to let me go through your phone, then we definately shouldn’t be together.   It actually shows that you’re insecure or at the very least hiding something.

People with nothing to hide, don’t hide anything.






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