Despite being done wrongly by my wife, for some reason, a part of me wants to work it out.  I hate to admit it though.  It’s a very small part, but enough to keep me from actively trying to find a way out.   Maybe it’s comfort, but I’m not really comfortable.  I cannot forgive her.  I mean I forgive, but sometimes I feel like I don’t want to get over it.  I don’t want to give her my all again.  My view of her has diminished in a huge way.   I don’t know if I can love her the same.   While apologetic, she doesn’t seem to get it.  This isn’t a regular story about cheating or even an affair.

In those cases, it doesn’t seem to be the cheater’s ‘intent’, to hurt the betrayed.  In this case, while “in love” with that asshole, he got some pleasure out of her humiliating me.  She was complicit.   How can I forgive her for disrespecting me on that level?  This was not a case of negligence, but truly a case of intent.   His sexual gratification and ego was stroked on the premise of turning me into a cuck.  He felt like a “better man” because he was able to get her to do certain things that surely guaranteed my humiliation.  Fetish or no, he’s a sick fuck.

Despite men (especially black men) not having much, our pride is really the only thing we have.  She chose to give it away so he could get a better nut.   Despite our son being the pride of both of our lives, she voluntarily devalued her son’s father to the point of complete humiliation.  I have to live the rest of my life knowing that a man did this to me and I was powerless to do anything about it.  I couldn’t do anything at all.  How can I look my son in his face knowing that I was so weak in that moment.  How can I look at him and ever be truthful about his mother.

Our friendship, what we had gone through, and what we built together was utterly meaningless.

While she may be “sorry” that she did that.   I don’t think she really gets how LOW that was.   Her only justification being that she felt “loyal” to him and that “we were beefing at the time” .  Still though,  we were beefing over her affair and that’s some pretty nuclear shit to do to someone.

It’s scary that her new loyalty to him led her to devalue a good friend to that point.  She says it was a ‘mistake’.  But to me, it says a LOT about her character.  I never thought she was perfect, but there are certain levels of betrayal beyond normal human fallibility.   How could she ever respect or have respected me (or even herself) to fall for some sicko’s weird fetish.   Is she that wicked herself, or is she just that weak?  What wouldn’t she do?  Shouldn’t his request have been a red flag that things probably wouldn’t have worked out in the long run for them anyway.  Did she not question his character?

But yet, why am I still even considering this.   Even if for our son.  How could she ever respect me….ever.  The only way is to leave.  She’ll always know what she did to me and that I stayed despite that.  What does that say about me as a person?  How low is my self respect to stay with someone who did that?  Her level of remorse is pretty freaking low.   Despite her claiming to respect me, the words,  actions and repercussions of those actions require more than just a few tears and apologies. While she might be a bit remorseful, I dont’ think she “gets it”.

That said, she could very likely do it again.  The good news is that my expectations of her is really low.  I won’t say I couldn’t be surprised at anything she might do.  You just never know low someone can sink.     At the end of the day, if her character is of question, then I’d be just as foolish as her when she give her loyalty to him.

But yet why am I in limbo about this?  Why is there even a question on whether or not we should try to work things out?  Why was I waiting on her to “make her mind up”?  Do I need her validation?  Perhaps it’s the “nice guy” thing that keeps me here.  I have to fight that nature of wanting to “live and let live.”  Of wanting to forgive and move on.  I have to abandon the idea of some sort of “happily ever after” or “we overcame a difficult situation.”  She destroyed the marriage and I don’t know if I want to help fix it now.

This was a very tragic and hard chapter in my life.  I don’t know where to go.   I gotta leave.  I can’t look back.  It hurts because ultimately, now that I did stay for as long as I did, it’s my decision to leave.  I loved my family.  What we built, but she destroyed that.  She’d probably be more bummed out over losing her iPhone than me at this point.  I can’t keep living like this.   I’m so sorry for our son, but I’ll support him and do what I gotta do make it better for him.

For now, I have to figure out why I even considered doing this in the first place.   What’s so broken inside of me that I my instincts won’t allow me to just leave.