I may as well die now.  I’ve found happiness and in that happiness, discontent is still present.  Love.   The desire for those around me to have the peace i have is troublesome.  On one hand, i myself wrestle with the idea that it’s all nothing.  Meaningless.   No walls to attach myself to.  No reason except to exist.  To feel.  But even still, it’s all meaningless  in the scheme of things.   The ability to transmute and appreciate the clouds empowers, yet takes away any reason to not love the rain.

Ignorance is truly bliss.  Not as lonely for sure.   But yet even then, it’s all meaningless.  Why enlighten people on the bliss of acceptance when after that….just….is.

NO more suffering, but yet, no longer the hope of a brighter day.  When hope is lost, suffering leaves, but with that it seems like death.  No heaven nor hell.  Just awareness of the pointlessness of it all.

Perhaps apathy is the cousin of death.  Yet, at the same it is also the cousin of peace.   It so funny how the road leads back to the beginning.   I see no way out.   Either just enjoy the carnal nature of seeking pleasure and avoiding pain….or be stoic about it all.   Perhaps the goal is to seek pleasure without hurting others, pain is self inflicted.  It’s unavoidable….just as pleasure.   Choices….it seems to be the only difference between life and death.

And yet our options or limited.  It seems at times that the only thing I have control over is how i choose to feel and even that is a struggle.  Perhaps even an illusion.  I am sentient, self awareness seems to be in my control. but how much control of my feelings do I really have?

Unrequited love is a painful reminder of the struggle….how i wish i could turn it off instantly.  Even now, past the initial pain of betrayal and subsequent acceptance of “what it is’.   I still can’t say for sure if the “love” is still there unless she betrays me again.  But even then….will I truly know?

Am I even really good?  If I had the same ‘options’ would I hold to my vows at this point?  Limbo is truly a hell unto itself.  Not desirable, but yet better than the hell I was once in.   It’s a bit of consolation that Jesus Christ at least metaphorically went through the same journey from heaven to earth to hell to earth and finally back to heaven.   Assuming limbo is a place between hell and earth.

Painful indeed and I long for the days when the solid ground is back beneath my feet.  Hopefully I  can ascend to the “right hand of the Father”   once i’m back.  May God give me strength!!!

As of now, I’m learning (again) that life is what you make it.

But yet, I’m still wicked.   Honestly, I think that my choices are limited by my options….or lack thereof.   I accept that my personality isn’t optimal for many choices.  I don’t care.  I can’t.   I don’t live up to the status quo set by the world….and that’s ok with me.   Just wish i could find someone who did subscribe to the system.  I don’t even know why.

Perhaps the point is for me to conform.   But yet there is something empowering about not conforming. …i feel that the ‘world’ is wrong.   but yet it’s meaningless either way.  So I suffer in defiance, but still it’s meaningless.   Is the god of this earth money, fame, and instagram likes.  They KNOW human biology.  I am a man.  But yet, i fear that i don’t meet her standards…I am a soldier for something bigger than myself.  I suffer for something other than myself…even though a civil war rages inside of me.  I cannot submit to her.  It’s not in me.  But yet, I have to live with her.   No way out.

I gotta march on.   Bring what you will.  My will won’t be broken.  I’ll use your guns against you.  I’ll destroy you with your own bombs.  How can my enemy have mercy when peace cannot coexist without war.   How could I unless I have power….even then….but maybe we aren’t enemies….just being.