4 am thoughts

She’ll probably never feel the guilt of the way she hurt me. I’m foolish to assume that she could ever understand the weight of the pain she caused me.

If she had an ounce of compassion or empathy, she could have never continued to hurt me.

In 9 years of knowing me, she never saw me cry. But seeing me cry and dry heave from pain didn’t deter her from continuing to disrespect, lie, and cheat.

I just don’t get how adulterous partners could knowingly inflict so much pain onto their spouses. How can they not feel enough remorse to just stop for a minute.

How could she devalue me and our sons feelings so much? How could she deny the fact that even if she fell out of love with me, I was always good to her.

As if any love we had was meaningless. As if I didn’t deserve the respect. She KNEW that I was in pain. She KNEW that her actions completely destroyed me. On top of that, these actions were morally wrong. They stood against everything she used to believe in. I cannot believe for one instance she thought that adultury was ok.

She saw me crying, losing weight from not being able to eat, and not being able to sleep. I told her How painful this was….and yet she continued to text and communicate in front of my face. Lying about it, but she knew that I knew.

How could she secretly let him listen in on speaker as I shared these feelings with her? How could she let him coach her into teasing me as she masturbated while he listened in? How could she allow him to use my hurt and humiliation to let him get off?

How could she betray me so fully? She said his name during sex and went back and told him. And he just laughed about it. How could she use my pain to stroke his ego?

Why was she only apologetic because he chastised her about actually having sex with me?

I’m her son’s father!!!her husband!!I was always there for her. I never cheated. Never beat her. Never cursed her. I treasured her and treated her as my queen. I listened to her. I worked and helped around the house. I remembered important dates. I was patient with her.

I wasn’t a pushover, i stated my opinions, but always sought compromise. I never belittled or rediculed her opinions. I accepted her for who she was. I always told her that I loved her. I did small things to show my appreciation. I may have teased her about not knowing what i liked as far as gifts go, but, it was an insider joke that she also used to laugh about.

I wasnt perfext, but a damn good husband. To this day, she never told me what I did so wrong to deserve that. She still can’t say why she’s unhappy with our marriage.

I know she’s not obligated to stay or love me, but she did owe me some respect.

Betrayal like this isn’t something I’d wish upon anyone. Well except for those who betrayed someone else like that so theyd know 1st hand the pain and damage they inflicted on someone else.

But despite that, no matter who caused it, or whether or not she’s truly remorseful, it’s my pain to bear and my load to carry and noone else can feel it for me. It’s my responsibility to get through this.

Although I know that there are others who go through this….it’s very probable that someone is having a dday right now….it does little with removing the pain.

If anyone reading this is going through this and it’s recent, I’m not gonna sugarcaot it. It’s going to hurt….bad….for a long time.

Then it’s going get a little better, and then bad again. Really bad. Eventually though, the highs and lows on the emotional rollercoaster won’t be so extreme.

Unfortunately, the only the thing that helps is time. If you can get away from that person, do it. Yes it hurts. You will want to cling on to the possibility of fixing it, but if they are on the fence, your feelings are second or third to their wants. Your heart will simply be collateral damage in their eyes.

It’s unfair, it hurts, but they don’t care, no matter how much you want them to or think they should.

Hope on working it out hurts. Expecting true remorse or karma keeps you trapped in requiring their validation. Your self esteem is shot and as long as they hold they key to restoring it, you’re going to suffer.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. Fuck that asshole, they don’t deserve you nor your kids. They can NEVER repay you for what they did.

But they don’t know nor care anymore and you must accept that. You have to eventually forgive and even though it’s so unfair that they destroyed your family and hurt everyone. You have to fight your emotions and be cordial for the kids.

It doesn’t seem like it, but you will recover. Damaging the kids by getting revenge through them will last them a lifetime. You have to continue to do what’s best for them even if it hurts you to the core to do so. You really have no choice in the matter as you are bound to your morality. Sometimes it hurts to hold to your convictions. NOone said it would always be easy. If it helps, just know that It’s not for that person, it’s for the kids.

Having been through it, I don’t judge you or your newfound emotional instability. I understand how, despite them showing you that you dont matter, you want to hold on. People who’ve never felt it will judge you and on a certain level, you know they’re right.

It is one of the most hurtful and humiliating thing that could happen to a person. It’s traumatic and unfair.

They destroyed the family home with no remorse and it’s totally unfair to you. The pain does get better, slow ly, but in my case 2 years out and still married, you will get more and more numb.

I am finally ready to move on and accept that she no longer loves me. Though I feel sad for our son and (unless God intervenes) the loss of the family, I pray he’ll get through this pain.

I realize that there must be better out there for me. Even if I never find anyone else to love me, it would be better to be single and no longer feel the shame of loving someone who doesn’t even respect me.

But if you decide to work it out, I’d say pray and get close to God. Pray for God to strengthen His relationship with them. Their wicked sinful nature prevents them from seeing the light.

Ask for Him to draw you closer and in reality, your relationship with Him should be stronger than with your spouse.  Otherwise, your spouse and marriage becomes an idol.  People and institutions are flawed and placing your hopes in them first will inevitably disappoint you every time.  The other alternative is placing yourself first as the God in your life.  That leads to narcissism, chronic grass is greener syndrome, and ultimately dissatisfaction with life, no matter how successful you become.

Once I realized what a relationship with God really means, and to be born again (kill your ego). Things became a bit easier. For me, at least for now, I think I’m supposed to forgive and keep fighting and praying for our family.

But now, belief that He can and will restore things ironically has me second guessing if I really want to work it out.

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