Cheating spouses have a lot of issues. Divorcing over an affair complicates things in so many ways.
I’m wondering though, what the heck are they thinking when they decide to have an affair and then introduce the kids to the person they cheated with.
As a betrayed, cheating is the ultimate disrespect, but to add insult to injury, they expect you to accept bringing the kids around that home wrecking sob who kept your spouse distracted from working on the real issues in the marriage. Yeah, the wayward is mostly to blame, but the other person also has some responsibility too.
They want the kids to accept that person who’s partially responsible for the pain of having their home broken up.
Ok, I get that if they cheat on you, then it’s not really worth keeping them around. They don’t love you and who wants to be with someone who doesn’t love them back. You do deserve better, even if you do get the bigger picture.
Fine. Let them live their cheating life. Even if they end up treating the other person better, the bottom line is that they are not treating YOU with the respect and honesty you deserve.
It’s bad enough that the home wrecker gets the ego boost of feeling like they’re somehow better than you because they were able to “take your spouse.” That person knew that they were encroaching on disrespect to you by being in an affair with your spouse. They knew and didn’t care that their douchery would cause an enormous amount of emotional pain to your kids. They didn’t care that their “happiness” came at the cost of emotional damage to your kid.
But now, they want you accept that they are a part of the kid’s life. It’s like if someone killed your parents and now want to adopt you.
In my case, I’m sure my wayward would love to keep this secret and pretend her “friendship” to uncle douchebag whitenight just suddenly blossomed into “love”. It’s a helluva convenient story and on some twisted level she probably believes that once the dust settles, it’s how it happened.
But i know that their emotional connection is leading (if not already led to) her detaching completely from the marriage. It’s funny how they both seem to insist that they are just “friends” and this special friendship during her rough times (fueled by her affair during a rough patch) is helping her. Maybe it’s helping her, but definately not the marriage.
I don’t know if he really buys the bullshit he’s selling me and her or if he’s just a manipulative douche. I think it’s both, he’s just trying to protect his self image. But i guarantee that they will hook up again (another story) before too long. The level of self delusion between them is epic and amazing. The things we do to protect our self images is amazing and I wonder if I could ever be so obtuse? But i digress.
It just seems so selfish and wicked for a cheating spouse to blow up their home and expect the victims (betrayed and kids) to accept the person who willfully assisted in the demise of their family. It would be one thing if they met the person after the dust had settled.
But To have to deal with a person who disrespected the marriage, who got the ego boost at the cost of your loss of esteem, and to still take the high road of not acting out is a tough thing indeed. I so badly want to call them out on the bull…right now in front of our 8 year old son, but on a certain level, that feels wrong too.
Is he old enough to know? Is this teaching him to tolerate disrespect? Should I wait until he’s older to say anything? Should I say anything at all? Is hiding the truth teaching him that it’s ok to lie if the truth is hard? Am I just bitter and butt hurt because of the way she treated me? Is revealing the truth stooping down to her level? Am i just being too self righteous and using it as an excuse for some sort of revenge?
Man, this is complicated.